(no subject)
free falling back into dissonance
the feeling of flight in my stomach
similar to the touch of a loving hand on it
and more so without it

that lacking and the following need to purge
travel an unfamiliar pass
to battle a familiar past

i scream comforting sad songs
left eye squinting, crying inside
because these eyes cannot
right hand raised to their god
who i believe in alltheless

lost in my blinding brightness
a shattering path beneath
lest i venture off into this unfamiliar shadow
i will ask for nothing passed what i willingly
and gratefully receive without query

of nonreaching consequence
my capacity to accept all things twice
the way they actually exist to be
and the way that makes it my own

(no subject)
of wanting things to work
working on things wanted
and working on things to want

of forgotten tastes and smells
forgiving textures and darkness
and four hours and what for

of imparting the sum of its parts
instilling the still life of its past
and injecting the warmth of insinuation

of working and wanting
and how they both tire
of forgiving and forgetting
and how they both keep
of imparting and instilling
and how they dissent

i would kiss your dead skin
and die to sink beneath it
i wouldn't take a breath
lest it be after the desperate
i have taken it slowly
and it turned into a race

it's been so long
and the footsteps leave no imprint today

(no subject)
i can't measure the agony in keeping above idle for so long
i use both feet to drive and there's no clutch

i can't measure the decibels in the pointless arguments
they stab so dull and the sound is deafening

i can't measure the time i need to keep my head above water
but when i swallow the sea, i know that i've tread for good reasons

i want to laugh about this someday soon
but soon is so immeasurable

i can measure these tears
i know they'll be comparable to the weight of the world
the same that i held on my shoulders through the snow

(no subject)
calloused. my skin tasted good today. a reminder of how i don't remember the taste of yours. i finished work with phenomenal numbers. i left work with bleeding cuticles. i headed home and the numbers flew out the window with the songs i screamed along to. my fingers clotted and my nails looked to be painted with mud. i stopped by the market to pick up a few things. cigarettes mostly: lunch and pain reliever. a coffee to carry me home. on the way to the cashier i went down a peculiar aisle. i was looking for a little romance. the whole shelf where they carry it was barren. i spun around to see if i was in the wrong place. i looked behind the lust to see if anyone was hiding it for later. i looked between the one night stands and checked if any was mixed in with the false hopes. no luck. i wanted to open that pack of cigarettes right there and light one up. i approached an attendant with a smile, said "hello", and switched to a confused look. "do you have any romance in the back or something?". he explained, "we're all out right now. the company's not doing so well." i smirked. he further added, "if you get a sweetheart, you get some romance. it's included." i then smiled. i was desperate. "how much does it cost?", i asked. "good looks, relentless humor, and a keen ability to favor the unfavorable." i was fucked. and not in the good way. "how about an arm and a leg?", i asked. he told me that they don't accept that form of payment here. i bought my cigarettes and left hurting my wrist pushing the door acting as if it was made of paper. it wasn't. my anxiety built and was slowly coated with sweet smoke. the exhale formed a pretty little halo that faded away as quickly as the relief itself. i then ended my parking lot solitude with a thought:

these hugs that asphyxiate me
for the feeling is fleeting
and the high falls when it hits the ceiling
of slipping desires
and time honored expiring embraces

(no subject)
to kill two births with one phone
of burning desires lost in mindfires
what embrace will warm me in frozen time
when i chose to make that moment with you my last
and i knew i would never go hungry
for my senses were sated by your presence

drag your fears through the dark
and come find me in my stare
i know right where i want to be
though your distance has increased
take this last bit of light i've saved
to find the love you lost investing in me

escape with your innocence
and never look back
until you see me again

(no subject)
i burn my art and
use the ashes to powder my face
and still the malice shines through
my eyes carve streams of sorrow
what hands to pull this veil of woe
fall fast the flight of this reaching arm

requesting reinvention
of limbs for disclosure
a last inner plight for transparent hiding
my efforts equaling less than
half the eagerness for equality
what judge will amend this faltered balance
deprived of love is a sinking understatement

i am not over it
nor am i beneath
i just wish if i was both
that you would be between

(no subject)
i basically had this revelation
with help from a therapist
i'll describe it like this
i'm in this beautiful ship
that i built to start a new voyage
and theres this storm that's been following me for most of my life
through growth, i've found this comfort in the darkness of it
first i started writing in journals about it
and then books
and then i started using pieces of the hull to make sculptures
then statues
now theirs nothing left to use to worship the storm
and it becomes more perilous
i can no longer relieve its affliction
but i have the art to prove its glory
and now im left with this choice
either sustain in desperation and keep finding ways to honor it
or throw everything overboard so i can outrun it

i think that includes the anchors
and every heavy memory

(no subject)
defying deprivation
and falling in love in vain
deny depravities
in the wake of a lapse suspension
burning closed bridges
to feel the fire in my veins
i fear the fateful fall
into the rushing waters below
fated to extinguish it

i will swim with the drowning
to feel that i'm not alone
though i am gilled and finned
and now my blood runs cold
they frown in my comfort
and think that i'm home
careful are the words i speak
to ask the way to the shores
whose skies above, unsure
seek to beset me
with a choking breath
of fresh air

the choice is as clear
as the stirring clouds
i'll claim this confusion
as the storm will its victims
and sate these remaining desires

(no subject)
hair sways in my eyes from the gusts
the day is still blinding on a cloudy day
my desires sway from the lust
my mind is still filthy in a sterile bed

i've placed my darkness
between the black and the grey
beneath the lamppost of a lonely road
dancing with the rustling leaves
and whispering of their grace
though they've been dead since they fell

their hearth used to paint the skyline
and give a brilliant shade to the zealous
and sway in my eyes from the gusts
and sway my desires in the filthy stillness

i fear the dim path
as the morning impends to brighten it
and the days pulse to torment me
that i must leave the leaves be

(no subject)
i can no longer walk the edges of the shore
i aim to pull away into the drifts
call myself at home
and await a comforting whisper within the whistling winds
amidst the darkness of the sailing clouds

with the moon as my messenger
and the tide as my haunting
I am the drowning lifeguard at your rescue
as you walk on water
and my life ring anchors me down
and you wish only for me to untie the bow
that would open your umbrella to block the sun
to keep me from seeing your pale skin

of unreachable touch and the burning perplexity


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